在多年的雅思写作教学过程中，唐老师发现众多烤鸭面临一个难解的尴尬局面：自己练习写了很多作文，但写作水平却不见实质性提升，最后考试成绩依然维持在以前的档次。这其实就涉及到作文修改的问题。

唐老师的基本观点是：烤鸭写完习作后，一定要请行家修改自己的作文，指出问题及改进的办法。在这里，“行家”就显得尤其重要：如果修改仅仅发生在语言表达层面，而没有涉及思维层面，那么学生从修改里收获的进步就一定是非常有限的。

为此，唐老师推出“雅思习作评改系列”，精选出一篇有典型意义的学生习作，并详细加以修改点评，希望读者能从唐老师的修改中得到有益的启发。

本篇给各位烤鸭准备的话题是关于“化学物质用于食品生产和保存的优劣势”。

题目

 

Do the dangers derived from the use of chemicals in food production and preservation outweigh the advantages?

 

学生习作

 

It has been claimed that people use several chemicals in the process of production and preservation. My view is that the disadvantages of using chemicals far outweigh the advantages.

 

It cannot be denied that people are more likely to use chemicals as a way to extend the time of food preservation, because it can help businessman gain more profits. For example, some agricultural products like vegetables and fruits are easily to become stale when they experience long-term transportation. If not adding some chemicals ingredients to protect food, merchants will suffer great economic damages.

 

However, there are several disadvantages of over-use chemicals. One the one hand, some of the chemicals ingredients cannot be resoled by digest system, which could effects human health. If chemicals remain in people body for a long time, it may cause diseases like cardiovascular, stomachache or lung disease etc. One the other hand, remain chemicals’ elements also damage natural environment. Some farmers use pesticides to protect agricultural products from destroying by harmful insects. However, the remains that cannot resole by ecosystem may pollute surrounding water and soil. To a large extent, if animal drink the water or eat the food, the may died by those poison food. What’s more, in the process of producing food, the contaminants that are made by factories directly pour into rivers, also cause habitat destruction, in this way, it account for the loss of biodiversity.   

 

In conclusion, my view is that the disadvantages of this trend far outweigh advantages. If people control the use of chemicals, we will become healthier and also can enhance the human condition.   

 

总体评价

 

评分：按照雅思写作评分标准的四个方面，唐老师给本习作的评分如下：Task response: 6.5; Coherence: 6.5; Vocabulary: 5.5; Grammar: 5.5。Overall: 6

总体评价：内容没有很大问题，相当通顺，逻辑和观点都比较清楚，但出现了一些基本的语法错误和用词错误，拉低了得分，相当遗憾！

建议：确保简单句子不出错误，用词方面一定要确保表达思想，不一定复杂。

 

逐句修改

 

第1段：It has been claimed that people use several chemicals in the process of production and preservation. My view is that the disadvantages of using chemicals far outweigh the advantages.

 

【唐老师修改】It has been claimed by many that there is nothing wrong using chemicals in food production and preservation. My view, however, is that the disadvantages of using chemicals far outweigh its advantages.

 

【唐老师点评】it has been claimed...后面应该接一个观点，但原文不是一个观点，只是一种现象。

 

第2段：It cannot be denied that people are more likely to use chemicals as a way to extend the time of food preservation, because it can help businessman gain more profits. For example, some agricultural products like vegetables and fruits are easily to become stale when they experience long-term transportation. If not adding some chemicals ingredients to protect food, merchants will suffer great economic damages.

 

【唐老师修改】It cannot be denied that people are more likely to use chemicals as a way to extend the time of food preservation, because it can help businessmen gain more profits. For example, some agricultural products like vegetables and fruits are easy to become stale when they experience long-term transportation. Without some chemical ingredients to protect them, merchants will suffer heavy economic losses.

 

【唐老师点评】本段错误不多，稍微改正，感觉可以冲7分了。

 

1、businessman是单数，此处宜做复数；

2、vegetables and fruits are easily to become stale...中的easily是副词，这里宜用形容词easy或者vegetables and fruits easily become stale...；

3、if not adding some chemical ingredients...是非常典型的中式表达，相当于“不如不添加一些化学成分”，但其实最合适的英文表达是“without some chemical ingredients” （如果没有一些化学成分”）；

4、economic damages表达不合适，宜为economic losses。

 

第3段：However, there are several disadvantages of over-use chemicals. One the one hand, some of the chemicals ingredients cannot be resoled by digest system, which could effects human health. If chemicals remain in people body for a long time, it may cause diseases like cardiovascular, stomachache or lung disease.                                                                     One the other hand, remain chemicals’ elements also damage natural environment. Some farmers use pesticides to protect agricultural products from destroying by harmful insects. However, the remains that cannot resole by ecosystem may pollute surrounding water and soil. To a large extent, if animal drink the water or eat the food, they may died by those poison food. What’s more, in the process of producing food, the contaminants that are made by factories directly pour into rivers, also cause habitat destruction, in this way, it account for the loss of biodiversity.  

 

 

【唐老师修改】However, there are several disadvantages of over-using chemicals. One the one hand, some chemicals cannot be resolved by digestive system, and cause harmful effects on human health. If chemicals remain in our body for a long time, they may lead to diseases like cardiovascular, stomachache or lung disease. 

 

One the other hand, chemicals also damage natural environment. For instance, some farmers use pesticides to protect agricultural products from harmful insects. However, the remains that cannot be resolved by ecosystem may pollute surrounding water and soil. If animals drink the water or eat the food, they may be poisoned. What’s more, in the process of producing food, the contaminants made by factories are directly poured into rivers, and cause habitat destruction, which accounts for the loss of biodiversity.   

 

【唐老师点评】这个段落原文共143个单词，8个句子，却出现了多达12个基本语言错误！这样的作文，就算思想再深刻，得分也不可能高于6分。

 

1、over-use chemicals应为over using chemicals，或者chemical over-use（把over-use当作名词使用）；

2、some of the chemicals应为some chemicals。Some of the...指某一范围内的“一些”，some...则没有限定范围；

3、digest system应为digestive system（消化系统）；

4、effects应为affect（影响）；

5、people body应为our body; 

6、it应为they，这里代词指代的是前文的复数chemicals。代词使用是中国英语学习者的一个很大的难题，经常出现错误；

7、remain chemicals’ elements似乎想表达“残留的化学成分”；但完全不符合规范，不如直接说“化学物质”（chemicals），考试中不要试图去表达不会表达的内容；

8、protect agricultural products from destroying by harmful insects应为...protect agricultural products from being destroyed by harmful insects，或者更简洁的...protect agricultural products from harmful insects；

9、cannot resolve应为被动语态cannot be resolved；

10、they may died by those poison food应为they may die from those poisoned food，但前文提及water 和food，因而这里仅说poisoned food也不合适，因此宜改为they may be poisoned；

11、...the contaminants that are made by factories directly pour into rivers中，主语是the contaminants，谓语是pour into rivers，两者是被动关系，因此应该是...the contaminants made by factories are directly poured into rivers；

12、...in this way, it account for the loss of biodiversity中it指代不明。

 

第4段：In conclusion, my view is that the disadvantages of this trend far outweigh advantages. If people control the use of chemicals, we will become healthier and also can enhance the human condition.    

 

【唐老师修改】In conclusion, the disadvantages of chemical use in food production and preservation far outweigh the advantages. Though it helps increase profits for businesses, it may cause great dangers to our life as well as the environment. If we control the use of chemicals, we will become healthier and our living conditions will also be improved.    

 

【唐老师点评】结尾没有总结出全文观点，修改文黑体字增加了一句总结观点。最后一句中，people, we, human condition不停转换，代词游离不定，让人着急，可以统一为人称。